Shadow Sophie
Originally uploaded by Poundstone. I’m a little bit freaked out about the upcoming year in Sophie’s life. I waited to read about developmental stuff until after she turned one, and it seems perhaps I should have read it earlier so as to prep myself for what may lie ahead. In a nutshell, lots of willfulness, so-called “negativism,” and a desire to do everything by herself, whether she can or not, whether it’s safe or not, etc.
I recently ran across I book I bought but hadn’t picked up for a while, “Mothering as a Spiritual Journey.” Flipping through it, I saw the chapter heading “Ages One-Four: The Crisis of Trust/The Marvels of Understanding and Readiness” and dug in. This book is a bit of a mixed bag – some of it is too mystical for my practical brain to absorb. But there were some wonderful insights, truths, and just plain lovely things in there. Here are those from this chapter that seem like they’ll be important to me:
Discussing our view of toddlers, and how we often view them as “bad” because they threaten our adult sense (illusion) of control, Linthorst reminds, “The toddler is not a “will machine” but an expression/discovery machine…All that is going on in them, physiologically and mentally, is urging expression, the exploration of both their physical capacities and of the separate-self sense.” (63)
On the need to remember that children (and adults) are spiritual beings: “Spiritual seeing transforms human identity into spiritual identity in both the seer and the seen.” (67)
“The belief that our role is to be managers (of our children’s behavior) puts us on the defensive, against our children, and this creates the crisis of trust. We know we cannot trust them, and we are afraid we cannot trust ourselves. This crisis can be resolved only by understanding. Trust cannot be forced. We cannot make ourselves trust something we do not understand. And it is very difficult for us to understand when we think our task is to be managers of behavior.” (68)
Linthorst goes on to explain, “Understanding is defined as ‘the clear perception of the meaning of something.’ The first level of trust is to trust that something understandable is going on, even if we don’t know yet what it is. That trust leads us to take the time to consider what is happening and gives us a beginning sense of dominion that helps us to be open to solving the problem through intelligence rather than force.” (68)
A reminder to “invite inspiration” into our lives about how to care for and understand our children (page 68) and that “love and understanding are inseparable.” (73)
Under the subhead “The Marvel of Readiness”: “Readiness refers to the sense of an inner timetable, which we noticed in the first year. It suggests that when children are ready to move on to the next stage, be it physical, mental, emotional or behavioral, they will do so. It says, in essence, that nothing needs to be forced. Just knowing that is an enormous liberation to parents.” (76)
A further explanation: “Readiness is the principle that reveals to us that no positive step needs to be forced. Parents cooperate with readiness by providing opportunities for their children to experience and express what they are ready for.” (77)
“At no other age are children as ready, willing, and able to look at things with wonder as they are in their toddler and preschool years…The daily activities become a kind of wonder-collecting, because so many small details are new and interesting to the young child’s expanding awareness.” (80)
“Our children provide us with so many opportunities to notice that the ultimate, priceless goods of Life are ‘just at hand.’” (81) “I am the God who is near, says the Lord God, and not a God afar off.” (Jer. 23:23)
Linthorst’s child ran his first race, in which he came in last, and looked pretty silly during it. She was embarrassed for him, and was ready to console him when he came over to her after the race. Trying to think of what to say, she was instead greeted by a wall of chatter from her son excitedly bragging about having run his first real race with a real starting gun and blocks and everything. Linthorst writes: “The innocence of his response stunned me. The discrepancy between his sweet enthusiasm and my self-centered parental concerns with how he and I looked in other people’s eyes made me ashamed…I felt myself to be the unworthy recipient of a very great gift.” (82)
“We ‘live and move and have our being’ in Something far bigger and better than we are usually aware of.” (85) Children can help us remember this if we let them.
Henry — or Hensie, or H, or H-Dog as he’s come to be called — is three months old today. So far, he has been born, and gone on a lot of trips. When he was five days old, he rode in the worst weather conditions this part of our state has ever seen all the way to Salem (an hour’s drive) to be with Nona and Papa (my parents) for Christmas. When he was almost two months old, he flew with me to Clarkston, Washington to meet his Great Grandma Mac for the first and last time. In the past two weeks, creeping up on three months old, he has been to Eugene and back twice — once with all of us and once just with me — to see Nona in the hospital after her three concurrent back surgeries. That’s a lot of miles for a baby. And it could have been a big stress for me and everyone else if he were a crier. Or even a complainer. But he’s neither. Sure, he cries when he’s hungry, or when he has gas. But the rest of the time, this dude is either asleep or awake and pretty freakin’ happy — laughing, smiling, or just hanging out. What a huge blessing that has been during this really pretty difficult stretch of life.
